hey Luke, I hope you don't mind this, I just need to talk to someone about this and I figured your the best person to go to.
Recently this year, as you know, my uncle passed away and I've been finally doing my best with trying to accept his death (DENIAL OF DEATH), and I'm still having trouble doing so as I suspected I would. I remember the wake very well, the second I walked in with my aunt, mom, and brother, my aunt began sobbing uncontrolably and she had every right to, but I was happy in a way to see her cry like that because I began speculating (while my uncle was alive) that their marriage was suckish because they'd act like kids competing over who does what, but it was mainly (from what I saw) my aunt trying to make my uncle look like a shit-bag. So when I saw my aunt cry I felt relieved to see that the love, or what I thought was love, was very strong.
Currently: My aunt found an appartment which SEEMED cool, but she gave her dog away (the dog was the last thing I really had of my uncle's) and I was angry (to an extent) when she gave him away, I would have gladly taken the dog, but I realized she needed to be alone and respected her decision. But now I've been hearing talk of a man helping her move stuff and spend time with her (aka a boyfriend) and I've never been so...I don't even know what to call this, it's a combonation of like selfishness/anger/disgust/betrayal and just a bunch of anger really. When I found out, I just freaked out almost and told my mom just how fucked up it is that her husband (who was a great guy, he was like my dad) JUST died and now she's seeing another man, I'm baffled that this happened. I feel like a dick for being angry and everything because it's her choice but I just can't believe her and I think she's acting like a fucking lonely child who needs to be the center of attention 24 fucking 7. I'm censoring my feelings to an extent because I think there should be some duality or control on this. I just can't believe something like this could happen, my mom said "Uncle Mike would want Aunt Janet to be happy and you know that" but I knew my uncle the best and I'm sure he'd look at me and laugh at my mom for saying that, I mean I'm sure he'd want her to be happy, but not this quick, it's not normal. she's acting like she went out, bought a goldfish from petco and the usual reaction of a fish dying, you flush it down the toilet and get a new one. My uncle was my aunt's fish and thats fucked up.
anyways thanks for listening, i needed to get this out, your a good man Luke, you're always very helpful and always have the greatest advice, I hope some day I can return the favor and help you when you need my help. Take care.
-Nick
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Hi Nick,
ReplyDeleteHmmm... well, this is heavy weight stuff - welcome to the ambiguous world of being an adult.
Love is a very difficult thing. It is so conflicted. Look at your own relationships to people you love, and you'll see it swing in all directions. It is possible to love a friend, and yet there are times you want to kill them. This never changes. Think about your mom - you love her, but there are days when you don't like her at all. This is the way it goes - like we talked about in class today - it is diferance - the future we move towards but never achieve. Love is portrayed as being all powerful, all forgiving, all perfect. But it isn't. It is just like everything else human: it is a mess we muddle through in hopes of getting somewhere better but we never quite get there.
How long were they married? A long time. They might hate each other, but loss is loss, and a huge chunk of life is suddenly missing, and the tears flow, and it hurts like hell. So your Aunt deals with that.
And maybe she did have a boyfriend, or maybe she missed Uncle Mike like hell and she needs to do anything something to fill that hole if only for a few minutes. Or maybe there were things in that marriage that you never saw - some pretty awful things, and she's breathing her first breathe of freedom in X amount of years.
What is hard to fathom at your age, or at any age, is that people can be very good in one way, and failures in other ways. Your Uncle Mike could be a great guy in all ways, but for some reason he never knew how to talk to your Aunt such that she felt special and wanted. This could be - and it could be no one's fault, but there it is, and everyone has to deal with it. I know this because my wife is a wonderful woman, and I am a pretty decent guy, and our marriage is hard as hell - I mean, really really hard, and sometimes so awful. And we both try - I know I do - but still the formula for happiness usually eludes us.
People are so fucked up, so fragile. I find myself feeling sorry for everyone almost all the time. I wonder why God made us this way, and that makes me decide he didn't make us because who would design something so deeply flawed and broken as even the healthiest human being is.
So, the question - the advice - is what do YOU, Nick, learn from this? And that seems to be always the point.
Some beautiful sentences in your writing, here, by the way. It is a good story or something.
Luke
PS - you are a good kid, Nick. I like you a lot.