Too Many Groups/Spring Break

I'm not sure when you'll see this, but again, this is my favorite place to vent. I'm in probably the most confusing mood of my life, I'm so happy that I want to cry just because it's so nice out and at the same time, I feel the crushing weight of responsibility taking a giant toll on my shoulders and I've been so thankful for stac opening doors for me that I was too afraid to open myself, I've been drawing now, and most (pretty much all) my stuffs on my facebook. I'm starting to feel the responsibility being handed over to me for next year in STAC from LeeLee, Mike, and Jake and I'm glad and more than happy to accept it, but it's just I'm in a conflicting state with my friends, which I expected to happen, but neglected to figure out how I'd handle the situation. My friends make fun of me because I talk to Patrick, they say that I worship him, etc. all because he plays bass and so do I. But I'm at the point where things are too good in my life for me to really care about anything, right now, it's 7:18 and instead of everyone else who are probably out, I'm inside, and I'm enjoying myself. I've also been listening to a lot of music, nothing that different really, but really analyzing what I listen to, and I have a deeper appreciation for what I'm hearing. I downloaded a Mott the Hoople song, All the Young Dudes, and I love it, I only have that song, and it's a shame, I'm talking to my uncle who has them on vinyl, but other than that, hope all is well, take care!

Movie

My movie is coming together and I'm very happy. I went in this project more optimistic than I do on most things and so far it's coming together quite nicely. I am, however, a little upset though about the film because my group and I were going to make like an Indie film, much different from the usual humor in most things I do. I was all pumped to do a serious role, which I'll be doing in one of Cassie's movies (if we film it at all) and I look foward to that.

I keep thinking about the summer and how much I'm going to miss everyone and it's upsetting me. And instead of not looking foward to next year, I'm glad that I'll be a senior in stac because I feel like I can really help the new STACies get used to this caring/loving/tense/beautiful/family that is STAC. I also decided that you and I will (if you have time) get lunch over the summer a couple of times and keep eachother up to date with stuff. Onwards and upwards!

Comm Center!

yesterday we went to the comm. center and did some character excersizes. I was partnered with Tara, who kept making me laugh and laugh, she's always a good person to work with on acting. When I work with Tara it's a test of how long I can keep a character with someone like her. We did the walking around exercizes and when I got home, I was ready to pass out.

lately I've taken in interest in art, mainly paintings. I'm really drawn to impressionism, expressionism, and pop art. it has more of a child-like feel to it giving it a pure vibrance from the canvas to the receiving eyes. I had a great time when we went to see Warhol, I just wish it was a bigger exhibit. I also enjoyed the classical paintings, but I wasn't too fond of the cubism (my least favorite). I enjoy paintings that flow into each stroke, that give you a sense of relaxation, at least thats what I get, but other than that I love it. I'm glad I got into STAC because I'm finding out all these new things about myself, I found out I like to act, I like to write (just write, and not have it have to be in a certain structure) and now I enjoy paintings a lot. I'm thinking I may go to the MoMA before the end of this school year as a present for myself after I hand in my term paper.

I need to tell it to somebody

hey Luke, I hope you don't mind this, I just need to talk to someone about this and I figured your the best person to go to.

Recently this year, as you know, my uncle passed away and I've been finally doing my best with trying to accept his death (DENIAL OF DEATH), and I'm still having trouble doing so as I suspected I would. I remember the wake very well, the second I walked in with my aunt, mom, and brother, my aunt began sobbing uncontrolably and she had every right to, but I was happy in a way to see her cry like that because I began speculating (while my uncle was alive) that their marriage was suckish because they'd act like kids competing over who does what, but it was mainly (from what I saw) my aunt trying to make my uncle look like a shit-bag. So when I saw my aunt cry I felt relieved to see that the love, or what I thought was love, was very strong.

Currently: My aunt found an appartment which SEEMED cool, but she gave her dog away (the dog was the last thing I really had of my uncle's) and I was angry (to an extent) when she gave him away, I would have gladly taken the dog, but I realized she needed to be alone and respected her decision. But now I've been hearing talk of a man helping her move stuff and spend time with her (aka a boyfriend) and I've never been so...I don't even know what to call this, it's a combonation of like selfishness/anger/disgust/betrayal and just a bunch of anger really. When I found out, I just freaked out almost and told my mom just how fucked up it is that her husband (who was a great guy, he was like my dad) JUST died and now she's seeing another man, I'm baffled that this happened. I feel like a dick for being angry and everything because it's her choice but I just can't believe her and I think she's acting like a fucking lonely child who needs to be the center of attention 24 fucking 7. I'm censoring my feelings to an extent because I think there should be some duality or control on this. I just can't believe something like this could happen, my mom said "Uncle Mike would want Aunt Janet to be happy and you know that" but I knew my uncle the best and I'm sure he'd look at me and laugh at my mom for saying that, I mean I'm sure he'd want her to be happy, but not this quick, it's not normal. she's acting like she went out, bought a goldfish from petco and the usual reaction of a fish dying, you flush it down the toilet and get a new one. My uncle was my aunt's fish and thats fucked up.

anyways thanks for listening, i needed to get this out, your a good man Luke, you're always very helpful and always have the greatest advice, I hope some day I can return the favor and help you when you need my help. Take care.
-Nick

Important Things

Edited, Europe

If feet crave your history,
as contact tells your the best thing tar could ever know.
And they wish they could greet your waterfalls, but the land of the free calls.
Don't you wonder if your tower is lonely as the sun sets on another beautiful day in France,
Bodies wish to could climb you, sending shivers through limbs that meet your metal spine.

But you, Budapest, need lights to show your sorrow.
Gentle long walk down your streets hoping to find meaning,
but can feet put so much trust into architecture?

And burnt eyes read of your descendants hailing from your castles,
carrying their pain and knowledge upon their backs.
Kezia has seen them transform, shes seen them protect.
Was it you?
Was it your fault?
How many have died?
wish you never knew Prague.

And finally, you'll confront one home,
the damage you've done,
giving personality and shelter.
confused by what you do,
They're ashamed of what you mean.
Knowing only bits of your tongue,released from your mouth,
but fear,
It's almost never October in Poland.

Europe (stomping grounds)

My feet crave your history,
as I my id tells me your the best thing I'll ever know.
And I wish I could greet your waterfalls, but the land of the free calls me.
I'll wonder if your tower is lonely as the sun sets on another beautiful day in France,
I wish I could climb you, sending shivers through my limbs that meet your metal spine.

But you, Budapest, need lights to show me your sorrow.
I long to walk down your streets hoping to find meaning,
but should I put so much trust into architecture?

And I've read of your descendants hailing from your castles,
carrying their pain and knowledge upon their backs.
I've seen them transform, I've seen them protect.
Was it you?
Was it your fault?
How many have died?
I wish you never knew Prague.

And finally, I'll confront one of my homes,
the damage you've done to me,
giving me personality and shelter.
I'm confused by what you do to me,
I'm ashamed of what you mean.
Knowing only bits of your tongue,
I release you from my mouth,
but I fear I'll never have an October in Poland.


this was really just me reflecting on places in Europe that I want to see before I die. France is somewhere I wanna go for its art, Budapest is simply just a beautiful place (from what I've seen in pictures) and I can see myself enjoying every moment there. I also want to go to Prague because of the stories that come from there, it looks depressing, but I feel like I can relate to the land. And finally Poland. I want to find if I have any family still in Poland (which I probably do). I can speak bits of Polish and I used to have full conversations, but it's been a while. The reason I wrote this is because I needed to write something and have someone critique it, so if you have time, please give me feedback, take care!

Workshop Wed!

yesterday was workshop wed. with Jim and it was a little different than his usual workshop. we started off with some meditation and than did some mirroring. He than took out some scripts and paired us up with partners and we had to cold read the script. I was put with my partner in crime, Jack Morrow. We cold read a script that was dialouge between a captain and a ship mate, it was a lot of fun. I don't think I did too good, but I didn't expect a miracle to occur, but the more I think about it, the more I get annoyed that I didn't try out for the One Acts this year. I feel like I would have had a lot of fun with it, maybe next year I'll do it if I find someone to help me with sound.

OUTSIDE OF STAC (kind of):
HELL WEEK! My least favorite/most favorite part of a play/musical. It's always when I either do my best or worst. The shows coming out great and I'm confident that its gonna work. I will be rushing my ass off though this weekend, mainly saturday and sunday. On sundays I have an SAT class from like 8:20-12 and I'll be rushing to make the show, and saturdays, before the SAT class, I do my practice tests and since I get extra time it takes a while. I'm thinking if I wake up around 10 and start it at 11 I'll be able to have enough time not to rush and get it done, and if I'm a little late I apologize in advance, but thank the good lord for Patrick Goodsell's presence, I'm sure he'd have no problem doing the sound until I showed up or whatevers going on. Anyways, onwards and upwards!

Epic Discussion on Run Lola Run

We discussed Run Lola Run yesterday in class and it was probably one of the best discussions I've ever been a part of. We stayed on topic and when we branched off, it became a discussion about why there's art. I keep thinking about what we said how art is just a way to express life and make it tangible (for the most part) and even though it's a mess, it's your mess to interpret. I think that I'll watch the movie again over the summer to see how much I truely like it. I'm glad you told Mike and I today what you want played for STAC night, I'm pumped for it. I'm so excited for it that I wanna start practicing now for it haha. well I must be going, be well!

Run Lola Run

So yesterday we watched Run Lola Run again for the second time. the first time we watched it, I was sick with what turned out to be a Sinus Infection and was sitting at the sink soaking paper towels and trying to keep myself from coughing. I couldn't tell how I felt about the movie the first time I saw it, I was kind of in between with it which is surprising, but when we watched it again yesterday, I knew where I stood with the movie. I like it because it has a lot of megga important parts but they're subtle and you really need to focus on the movie in order to pick them up which I really liked, I was always looking and trying to figure out what everything meant.

Also on sunday I wrote this poem for Megan O'Donnell. She doesn't know I wrote anything, and I wanna keep it that way. It was kind of like a journal entry with my high expectations of what her next creative piece will be. I know Megan always makes beautiful art no matter what it is, but I'm expecting something BIG from her, I can just feel it. Maybe it's unfair that I'm expecting so much from her right now, I don't want to sound like a pessimist but maybe I should just know that what she'll do will be great instead of something bigger than herself and myself. Eh, anyways onwards and upwards!

Workshop WED!

Yesterday I had my workshop with Jim and for some reason I wasn't in a good mood. I think the reason was because the workshop with Jim before yesterdays, we got really emotional and I didn't want to get upset again, and by not wanting to get upset I got myself upset...PARADOX (kind of, not really). But Nicole Buancore came up to me after the workshop and told me "You looked the angriest that I've ever seen". I like Jim's workshop, but I just need to approach it in a different way, basically I need to be optimistic about his class as I should be with everything in this world. I'm in the middle of reading Wittgenstein's Poker and The Cather in the Rye and both books bounce off eachother so much it's amazing, I suggest you do the same when I finish reading Wittgenstein's, trust me! I fell in love with a quote by Wittgenstein that I compare it to me own life so much and I think it's the best quote in the world, the quote is, "Memory: I see us still, sitting at that table. But have I really the same visual image- or one of those that I had then? Do I also certainly see the table and my friend from the same point of view as then, and not see myself?"-Wittgenstein. I feel like the second I finish this book I'll be going insane making connections from the book to not only my life, but others around myself. I'm so glad you lent me this book! I hope we do something Phylisophical next year in STAC! Onwards and upwards!

Antony and the freaking Johnsons

I'm sitting her listening to Antony and the Johnsons' version of The Guests. I'm obssessed with it, I wanna cry it's sooo good it's jam packed with emotions and I mean it that I'm honestly fighting tears. I think if theres anyway we can cover this song or something would be intense. Hopefully I'll take it in my own hands with my band, but Leah is totally against his voice and I dont know if she'd be up for it. But today in STAC while we listening to them, I didn't know what to make of him. I honestly had a strong dislike for the first song, but when you played The Guests I went insane. I wished it didn't stop. When I hear it, I picture like a Colonial party, almost like the tale of The Headless Horseman because I think of Icabod Crane at the ball dancing about and all this crazy shit, especially when he says "No one knows where the night is going" I just freak out. I'm madly in love with this song I wish I could describe it. I also feel bad for the singer because I feel like he just wants love, a genuine pure love and it's next to impossible to find and it reflects in his music. He talks about wanting to be held and I get the feeling he wants some sort of (for lack of a better term) closure or actually REASSURANCE that he isn't alone and I think it's tragicly beautiful. Thats all until further notice

This week in STAC 2/9/09 - 2/13/09

On monday we talked about different types of camera lenses and what they do. I was really interested in using a Holga camera because I thought for a cheap camera they take some pretty cool pictures, but I found out I have a Nikon camera laying in my room (which would be great if you could take a look at it for me and tell me if it needs anything) and you showed us some tricks with using a regular camera to make it Holga-esque (WHICH WAS AWESOME) and I think that's what I'm gonna do. I plan on taking my picture soon after I get my camera looked at, and if it's no-longer able to be used (which I doubt) I plan on asking you if I can borrow a camera. I'm really into this project because I'm basing it on if I lived with my dad instead of my mom, which would result in a drastic difference in who and what I am. I was thinking about borrowing my friend's Fish Eye lense for the picture, but I'm not sure if he'd honestly lend me it, hopefully he will, I'm probably going to ask him today. That's all (until further notice).

Wed. 2/4/09

Today I had a workshop with Jim (acting). I love it so much. We did meditation and some great acting techniques. Jim would tell us to close our eyes and give us a visualization, the best one which had a great response from everyone in the group was when Jim told us to imagine we were on a dock, and there was a giant boat with everyone we loved on it and music was playing and they left slowly leaving and they wave goodbye and tell you they love you and I thought of my uncle who died this year, which led me to an epiphany that I never fully dealt with his death because the second I saw him waving goodbye, I found myself fighting tears, others actually were crying. I look foward to working with Jim next week and so on.