Too Many Groups/Spring Break

I'm not sure when you'll see this, but again, this is my favorite place to vent. I'm in probably the most confusing mood of my life, I'm so happy that I want to cry just because it's so nice out and at the same time, I feel the crushing weight of responsibility taking a giant toll on my shoulders and I've been so thankful for stac opening doors for me that I was too afraid to open myself, I've been drawing now, and most (pretty much all) my stuffs on my facebook. I'm starting to feel the responsibility being handed over to me for next year in STAC from LeeLee, Mike, and Jake and I'm glad and more than happy to accept it, but it's just I'm in a conflicting state with my friends, which I expected to happen, but neglected to figure out how I'd handle the situation. My friends make fun of me because I talk to Patrick, they say that I worship him, etc. all because he plays bass and so do I. But I'm at the point where things are too good in my life for me to really care about anything, right now, it's 7:18 and instead of everyone else who are probably out, I'm inside, and I'm enjoying myself. I've also been listening to a lot of music, nothing that different really, but really analyzing what I listen to, and I have a deeper appreciation for what I'm hearing. I downloaded a Mott the Hoople song, All the Young Dudes, and I love it, I only have that song, and it's a shame, I'm talking to my uncle who has them on vinyl, but other than that, hope all is well, take care!

Movie

My movie is coming together and I'm very happy. I went in this project more optimistic than I do on most things and so far it's coming together quite nicely. I am, however, a little upset though about the film because my group and I were going to make like an Indie film, much different from the usual humor in most things I do. I was all pumped to do a serious role, which I'll be doing in one of Cassie's movies (if we film it at all) and I look foward to that.

I keep thinking about the summer and how much I'm going to miss everyone and it's upsetting me. And instead of not looking foward to next year, I'm glad that I'll be a senior in stac because I feel like I can really help the new STACies get used to this caring/loving/tense/beautiful/family that is STAC. I also decided that you and I will (if you have time) get lunch over the summer a couple of times and keep eachother up to date with stuff. Onwards and upwards!

Comm Center!

yesterday we went to the comm. center and did some character excersizes. I was partnered with Tara, who kept making me laugh and laugh, she's always a good person to work with on acting. When I work with Tara it's a test of how long I can keep a character with someone like her. We did the walking around exercizes and when I got home, I was ready to pass out.

lately I've taken in interest in art, mainly paintings. I'm really drawn to impressionism, expressionism, and pop art. it has more of a child-like feel to it giving it a pure vibrance from the canvas to the receiving eyes. I had a great time when we went to see Warhol, I just wish it was a bigger exhibit. I also enjoyed the classical paintings, but I wasn't too fond of the cubism (my least favorite). I enjoy paintings that flow into each stroke, that give you a sense of relaxation, at least thats what I get, but other than that I love it. I'm glad I got into STAC because I'm finding out all these new things about myself, I found out I like to act, I like to write (just write, and not have it have to be in a certain structure) and now I enjoy paintings a lot. I'm thinking I may go to the MoMA before the end of this school year as a present for myself after I hand in my term paper.

I need to tell it to somebody

hey Luke, I hope you don't mind this, I just need to talk to someone about this and I figured your the best person to go to.

Recently this year, as you know, my uncle passed away and I've been finally doing my best with trying to accept his death (DENIAL OF DEATH), and I'm still having trouble doing so as I suspected I would. I remember the wake very well, the second I walked in with my aunt, mom, and brother, my aunt began sobbing uncontrolably and she had every right to, but I was happy in a way to see her cry like that because I began speculating (while my uncle was alive) that their marriage was suckish because they'd act like kids competing over who does what, but it was mainly (from what I saw) my aunt trying to make my uncle look like a shit-bag. So when I saw my aunt cry I felt relieved to see that the love, or what I thought was love, was very strong.

Currently: My aunt found an appartment which SEEMED cool, but she gave her dog away (the dog was the last thing I really had of my uncle's) and I was angry (to an extent) when she gave him away, I would have gladly taken the dog, but I realized she needed to be alone and respected her decision. But now I've been hearing talk of a man helping her move stuff and spend time with her (aka a boyfriend) and I've never been so...I don't even know what to call this, it's a combonation of like selfishness/anger/disgust/betrayal and just a bunch of anger really. When I found out, I just freaked out almost and told my mom just how fucked up it is that her husband (who was a great guy, he was like my dad) JUST died and now she's seeing another man, I'm baffled that this happened. I feel like a dick for being angry and everything because it's her choice but I just can't believe her and I think she's acting like a fucking lonely child who needs to be the center of attention 24 fucking 7. I'm censoring my feelings to an extent because I think there should be some duality or control on this. I just can't believe something like this could happen, my mom said "Uncle Mike would want Aunt Janet to be happy and you know that" but I knew my uncle the best and I'm sure he'd look at me and laugh at my mom for saying that, I mean I'm sure he'd want her to be happy, but not this quick, it's not normal. she's acting like she went out, bought a goldfish from petco and the usual reaction of a fish dying, you flush it down the toilet and get a new one. My uncle was my aunt's fish and thats fucked up.

anyways thanks for listening, i needed to get this out, your a good man Luke, you're always very helpful and always have the greatest advice, I hope some day I can return the favor and help you when you need my help. Take care.
-Nick

Important Things

Edited, Europe

If feet crave your history,
as contact tells your the best thing tar could ever know.
And they wish they could greet your waterfalls, but the land of the free calls.
Don't you wonder if your tower is lonely as the sun sets on another beautiful day in France,
Bodies wish to could climb you, sending shivers through limbs that meet your metal spine.

But you, Budapest, need lights to show your sorrow.
Gentle long walk down your streets hoping to find meaning,
but can feet put so much trust into architecture?

And burnt eyes read of your descendants hailing from your castles,
carrying their pain and knowledge upon their backs.
Kezia has seen them transform, shes seen them protect.
Was it you?
Was it your fault?
How many have died?
wish you never knew Prague.

And finally, you'll confront one home,
the damage you've done,
giving personality and shelter.
confused by what you do,
They're ashamed of what you mean.
Knowing only bits of your tongue,released from your mouth,
but fear,
It's almost never October in Poland.

Europe (stomping grounds)

My feet crave your history,
as I my id tells me your the best thing I'll ever know.
And I wish I could greet your waterfalls, but the land of the free calls me.
I'll wonder if your tower is lonely as the sun sets on another beautiful day in France,
I wish I could climb you, sending shivers through my limbs that meet your metal spine.

But you, Budapest, need lights to show me your sorrow.
I long to walk down your streets hoping to find meaning,
but should I put so much trust into architecture?

And I've read of your descendants hailing from your castles,
carrying their pain and knowledge upon their backs.
I've seen them transform, I've seen them protect.
Was it you?
Was it your fault?
How many have died?
I wish you never knew Prague.

And finally, I'll confront one of my homes,
the damage you've done to me,
giving me personality and shelter.
I'm confused by what you do to me,
I'm ashamed of what you mean.
Knowing only bits of your tongue,
I release you from my mouth,
but I fear I'll never have an October in Poland.


this was really just me reflecting on places in Europe that I want to see before I die. France is somewhere I wanna go for its art, Budapest is simply just a beautiful place (from what I've seen in pictures) and I can see myself enjoying every moment there. I also want to go to Prague because of the stories that come from there, it looks depressing, but I feel like I can relate to the land. And finally Poland. I want to find if I have any family still in Poland (which I probably do). I can speak bits of Polish and I used to have full conversations, but it's been a while. The reason I wrote this is because I needed to write something and have someone critique it, so if you have time, please give me feedback, take care!